Well i moved in today. my rooms all set up and my roommate here. shes actually sitting on the other side of the room than me right now. we have a really really nice room. our mattresses are brand new and the floors nice and clean. we have lofts. thats the only bad part. they are so close to the celling that you cant even sit up in them. i cant make my bed ether which kinda sucks cause i'll just pull it out. the walls are bare but we'll change that. i havent seen krystal, celia, or jonny yet but i will. my guide for fall welcome is the best. we were the first to dinner and we dont have to do anything untill 10:30 tomorrow morning when we get to go tour downtown. myself and 4 other people in my group just sat and talked for like 2 hours after we got done eating. we just sat and talked and joked. like my 'i dont wanna see it and i dont wanna hear it' policy. i never knew it could be that funny! and we were talking about how face book is addictive and our goupies husband. Oh and the awesome COUCH! yeah im starting to really like this and im glad i came.



but i do miss you so dont worry i'll be home at the end of September.

Respond to this post and I will give you the three words that I think MOST accurately describe you.

The cost? You have to return the favor by posting this in your own journal.

My perfect best friend list:

someone who:

tells you everything is going to be fine

makes up stories with you at 11:00 pm about the crazy guy

calls you to make sure everything is alright

helps you get ready for your open house which includes sitting in a bathroom, reading cosmo, while you spray hairspray everywhere

believes you when you say you think you are depressed

shares a bed with you

says eeww when you tell them about the guy who is hitting on you

convinces you to apply to a college that you werent even thinking about

has a 23 minute long rant converation with you

goes to the gyno with you ... and stays in the room

knows who and what you truely want

isnt judgemental about your desitions

worrys about you

keeps your secrets

lies awake with you all night talking

is like your older sister

is your shower buddy for all of eternity




I have 4 best friends. none of them have all of the qualities but each one of them has at least two. im greatful each day to have them and i dont think i could live one day without them. they are truthful and kind, caring and compationate. and they mean the world to me. i dont tell them that but they do. i dont know how i would live without them. i love them and going to miss them terrably. im never going to get any sleep next year cause i will be on the phone with them each night. they really dont know how greatful i am for them but i am truely.

I lied. my move in day is August 29th not the 25th. everything that i got about Fall Welcome said you move in a week early, so i thought "a week before September 1st is August 25th, so i move in the 25th." but then a couple of days ago i got an email that said the first day of Fall Welcome is August 29th and i checked out the web site and sure enough i was wrong. oh well, i just thought i would share that just in case ... anyone... cared...

So i just had about the best 23 and a half minute conversation ever. I got a lot of things off my chest that have been sitting there for a LONG time. I also realized that im not alone (in the world and some of my thoughts). It was reather nice infact. I guess thats all i need sometimes, a nice 23 and a half minute phone conversation. I dont have to worry about having someone see me cry (which i hate and is half my battle when it comes to talking to people about stuff). I just hate it when people are so self-absorbed with their life that they cant see whats going on around them. They dont realize someone is upset until its too late and some things are unfixable. Forgiveness is not something to be taken lightly. You need to look around you and see whats going on. Most of us are in the same point in our lives, we're about ready to leave this shit whole (i mean Lovely lovely) place and we truely dont know whats to come. We are leaving our comfort zones. Some of us (i mean most of us) dont even realize it. We go about our lives as if next year we're still going to be here. We dont realize that our desistions we have made and our actions we do are going to effect that rest of our lives. We could reck a wonderful friendship, watching it crash and burn right in front of our eyes and we have no water to put it out. But there are the rest of us, who do realize that we are leaving and we have to be careful of our actions. What we do this summer, truely our last summer together, is what people, our "friends", will always remember us by. Do we really want to be remembered as the "friend" who never called or the one that was so self-absored that they didnt realize there was something wrong with their friend, their best friend, that was life altering (for the worst). Or what about the one who could tell them something to their face, but talked to other people about it? Or the one that lived in a shell and just disapeared?


I know some of you will write this off as a rant. Some of you will read this and say of I already know this and not change. Some will say "oh yeah thats true" and say they will change but don't. And the few, the VERY few, will realize it and WILL change. This was just a piece of wisdome I was given by my buddy buddy swim club buddy (I LOVE YOU SO MUCH). And I felt like sharing it. Hopefully you guys realize this and change, cause something needs to be done and my last memory of some of you guys is not the best, accually its pretty bad, some REALLY bad.


(And really this wasn't just a rant, I used proper puncuation and tried to spell things right.)

Hold your head up high
You're never wrong
Somewhere in the right you belong
You would rather fight than walk away
What a lonely way to breathe the air
What an unlovely way to say you care
Now we're too far gone for me to save
And I never thought that we'd come to this

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye
(no one's wrong or right, you would rather fight, then you walk away)
There's just no reason left to try
(now it's gone too far, look at where we are)
You push me away
Another black day
Let's count up the reasons to cry
Look what you've missed, living like this
Nobody wins (nobody wins)

Searching for the truth in your eyes
Found myself so lost to recognize
The person now that you, you claim to be
Don't know when to stop, or where to start
You're just so caught up in who you are
Now you're far too high for me to see
I'd never thought that we'd come to this

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye
(no one's wrong or right, you're about fly, then you walk away)
There's just no reason left to try
(now it's gone too far, look at where we are)
You push me away
Another black day
Let's count up the reasons to cry
Look what you've missed, living like this
Nobody wins (nobody wins)

You never say you're sorry
Try to tell me that you love me
But don't - it's too late to take it there

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye
(no one's wrong or right, you're about fly, then you walk away)
There's just no reason left to try
(now it's gone too far, look at where we are)
You push me away
Another black day
Let's count up the reasons to cry
Look what you've missed, living like this
Nobody wins

(Now it's gone too far, look at where we are)

Nobody wins

the concert was great! Chris Carraba is the best entertainer in the world. i got to scream at the top of my lungs the words to every song i knew. jennie and i tailed a limo on the way up to SVSU cause we thought it was meagan and ashton and them but dont know.  the surgrery went ok on monday. i got sick from the anistecia and still am a little bit. one side is completely bigger than the other but oh well. im not allowed in the water for 3 weeks now which is going to take a lovely toll on my paychecks. i've been out of school for 2 days now and am probable going to miss more. but i am allowed to go to band so i dont completely screw us over for band festival. im going to have so much homework to make up ....yes! still do not have a date for prom. why...... cause i was abandoned by people who i thought were my friends(yes im taking to you and you know very well who you are) but oh well. live and let learn i guess. jennie said that some guy that i have some classes with wont go to prom unless he has a date and i told her to tell him that if he asks me id say yes. but since i dont know when i'll be back to school there is no reason to really get my hopes up.  and all those sad and depressing feelings i've been having. yeah i thought they were gone but nope there still here. my only ray of hope is my little ray of sunshime. someone i know cares about me. he notices that im gone and makes sure im ok. he even says that if theres anything i need just to let him know. i know i know hes with someone but i dont care, i'll just push her off of the treadmill next time she's at the rec.

so remember that thing that i had to get drained back in december. well the doctor told me to keep checking it to see if the swelling comes back. well i checked last night and i felt something. i really hope its nothing but most likely its not. im scared cause the fact if it is back that means i have a sis that has to be removed which is not cool. im scared.

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along


you know its a nice peace of addive. no only if i could listen to it and do the same it would be dandy. but i dont think i can. this is getting old and tiring but its just not going away. and it doesnt help that i cant get any help from those i tell

hey thanks everyone for making my last year in lapeer such a nice one. i really appreciate it. you know from the great suport and lovely words. you know all the "great" times i had. so hear are a few things that i would like to thank you all for:

thanks for the rejections

thanks for leaving me when i am in my weakest point

thanks for leaving me all alone

thanks for filling my life with point less drama

thanks for taking away from me something i can never get back

thanks for not listening to me when i try to tell you something

thanks for ignoring me

thanks for making me wish i was dead

thanks for making supoable the best year of my life a living hell

I cant wait to get the fuck out of Lapeer

so yeah you think you can just comtrol people any way that you want. that you can swun everybody off there feet with a single smile. and that just because you dont care about it so no body should care about it and they are stupid to care about it.

and YOU god you are so full of yourself. hate to tell it to you (actually no i dont) but youre not the best. there are people out there that are a whole lot better than you. it doesnt come to some as easily as you do and we have to work.


and then not listening to me when i try to tell you something to keep you from getting hurt. you just blew me off. yeah thanks.

I have made a new journal. Im going to use it as a political outcry, i guess you could say. 
Please add yourself if you would like. if you dont then dont. i dont care but im just trying to get my voice heard. 
You've got to start somewhere, right?

Heres the link:
oneforequality

LOVE IS...

LOVE IS LIKE BEING AFRAID OF FEAR OR SAD OF HAPPINESS. IT EXISTS, BUT IS NOT HELD. IT IS FELT BUT NOT SEEN.

AS A PIECE OF GOLD IT CAN BE LOST, BUT NO ASH IS LEFT, NO MONUMENT IS MADE. LOVE IS MISSED BY ONLY THE HEART, IS KNOWN BY ONLY THE SOUL. IN LOVE THERE IS NO SIN, NO WRONG, AND NO NEED FOR REGRET. THERE IS GIVING AND TAKING AND NO MOMNET WHEN THESE BALANCE.

LOVE IS NOT A THOUGHT BUT A FEELING, NOT A KISS BUT A MEANING, NOT A DESIRE BUT A TOUCH.




Yes it is. i should of known that he never ment it when he said. i can be so dumb and blind sometimes. i guess he's turning into a drunken bastard now. maybe this was one of the best things that hapeened to me. losing a loser and realizing what love truely is. the love you feel from another person of different blood. the love that means you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.














maybe one day i will find it, but its not right now.

Today the governor of South Dakota is signing a bill into action that will ban all abortions that are not health related.





People, we are slowing going back to life before 1972. Soon, discrimantion will be alive and well and we will be back to the 1950s. Then, whats going to happen? Segregation will happen and we will be back to the 1940s. Then women will not be able to vote and we will be back to the 1910s. Then blacks will become our slaves and we will be back to the 1850s. How far are we going to go back?

hey it was worth a try. i spent the last couple of minutes looking through the people on myspace with the same atributes as you. but you aren't on her. i emailed you but will you you email me back. i miss you and i want to talk to you again. i NEED to talk to you again, even just to tell you the one thing i have only said once to a male thats not related to me. that it would help. you are with someone now and im sure you guys are happy in your little house. but i miss you. im happy for you because you are happy even though it hurts. i think i can say it with confidence now. maybe you will see this. thats the reason its public. maybe not. but i'll write it now:























I love you more than anything i've ever known.







but you wont know this and it wont change anything. but hey it was worth a shot.

When it seems like your whole world is falling apart, the man you love doesnt love you, you dont have the money to pay for what you want, and the thing you have benn working for all year is not coming together, it's nice to have someone around that makes you come home with a smile on your face that seems like will never leave.







I had someone make my day today. After everything being shitty, he had to go and make me smile.

i have decided to change my live journal to friends only. and i have made so that the only ones on it are people who i can be honest with. peolpe who i know will not judge me for my choices. people i know can keep my secrets. cause i know if i told some of you all of the truth would disregard me and call me stupid, mean, rude, and a slut. but those are your choices not mine, and i will no longer listen to them. if you want to know everything, you are going to have to prove that i can trust you.

Happy Birthday Ashley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!